Do you ever have those kind of days where you just kinda collapse after dinner? Like, holy smokes my body is so tired I think I might break in half... Or, what? are you talking to me... who is there?.. because your eyes are so heavy you can't see straight.
Okay, so maybe those are extreme words but the feeling of utter exhaustion is indeed soooo extreme. I know that I kinda threw it out a few posts ago that I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. I think I might has spelled it "lime" - go figure!
Anyway, the diagnosis traced this problem all the way back to 5th year of life! That is a looooonngg time to have Lyme. L-O-N-G! Generally my entire life has been that of a fatigue-ridden girl who always feels tired. I rarely oppose the opportunity to take it easy because of this but I have also gone about normal life too.
I know that people feel tired sometimes throughout the day. That is normal right? I really am asking... because I have no idea. I always feel tired during the day. All my life I have thought myself to be a lazy person. That was on the top end of my vice list. Sluggish. Yucky. I hated myself for it too. I don't like the fact that getting out of bed in the morning is harder than rocket science. I really don't like the fact that an hour after waking I am ready to sleep again. Not just a little, but a LOT a bit sleepy. Like, ohmygosh its 3am I am exhausted kind of sleepy.
I wish it were untrue.. but it hasn't been unusual for me to criticize myself, "what is wrong with you, why don't you do anything, why are you so lazy, do something-please!?" It is really sad when those words are no longer confined to my inner thoughts but instead become audible flames that scorch the reflection I see in mirror.
"Yuck" I say..
I guess I have always had this idea of what a good mother and wife is supposed to look like. A good woman, really. Just in case you were wondering.. it was not me. Those kinds of women didn't trudge along life, exhausted... leaving dirty dishes and an unmade bed so she could go nap.
First born types
Never depressed, like me...
Yes, depressed. It would happen at the drop of a hat. A wave would suddenly wash over me in the middle of a normal hour of a normal day. Sadness. Why sadness? Why now, sadness? Obtuse and unannounced. Uninvited. Thankfully my dark and ugly visitor would only stop in to say "Hi" and be gone by the end of the day.. and sometimes by the end of the hour. Until one day she stayed. Stayed for months. That was a bad year, a sad year. I was glad when it was gone... until it came back when Davin was born. That was the hardest. You know, when you are supposed to be experiencing the most joy by bringing a life into the world but instead cry uncontrollably, stare at walls, feel hopeless and lost. Darker than night.
Can Lyme Disease cause exhaustion and depression in people? Oh yeah! Is that what I have been experiencing my whole life? Maybe.. It would be really nice blame sadness and sleepiness on a disease. For all I know, once the remedy I am on has run its course - I will be energized and I can say "hasta la vista, baby!" to any more threats of depression and unexplainable exhaustion.
What if, in the end, they say "Oops! You actually don't have Lyme..."
Disease or not.. I am still responsible for my own sin. There are times where I choose to be lazy because I am exhausted and "I just can't do it anymore..." but boy am I sure glad Christ didn't say that as he was hauling the cross up the hill on his beaten and bloody back to the place he would be hung to die for my sin. And when I was dealing with postpartum depression, I felt hopeless a scared but THANK GOD he saved me from eternal hopelessness and that he lovingly planned for my baby blues to end after 3 weeks.
Disease or not, God ordained my life's plan. He knew I would be tired 85% of the time. He knew I would hit rock bottom at one point or another. He planned every step. But is doesn't make me question his love and care for me because I know that my life's purpose is to know God, enjoy him forever and make much of him.